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Jul. 22nd, 2014

Into the darkness of my mind.

Mindless Thoughts I

Regrets... I have a lot of those. I know we should move on from it because it's in the past but it's an emotional baggage that I carry in the present. Everywhere I go I can feel the weight of it.

My regret on my career/course.

My regret on my 1st love.

My regret on being weak.

My regret on not being assertive enough.

My regret on being stuck on something which I need to let go.

These are just some of my regrets that I usually feel when my temporary high of happiness wears off. It will all come crashing down on me and make me pitiful of myself, depressing my mood to the point where I just want to end it all.

It's a vicious cycle that I have been experiencing for many years already, starting from my college life. Sometimes I do wonder why I'm still here? For what purpose did God gave me a second chance in life? Cause all the things that had been happening had been adding to the emotional baggage that I carry.

Feb. 12th, 2012

Into the darkness of my mind.


Seeing you again made me question the feelings that I have.

Emotions that I thought only my muse could make me feel are now invoked by you.

My attraction and fascination for you invades my heart and clouds my mind.

You were still the same the last time I saw you.

As I play with your black silky hair, feeling the smoothness in my hands, I wonder what it’s like to kiss your lips and taste them.

Would it taste sweet like Cherry Chapstick or bitter like the alcohol that you drank?

The Margarita that I drank must have boosted my confidence, but I am still a coward.

I fear to tread beyond the borderline between friends and the unknown.

Then you asked me “Have you moved on from your Muse?”

This question that you asked was like a wake-up call to me.

I suddenly realize that this might be another one-sided feeling...

History usually repeats itself, and I might not be able to survive it again.

I answer your question with a smile, a bittersweet smile.

As they say you would always remember your first.

So I decided not to tell you anything and let things be as it is.

Jan. 11th, 2012

Into the darkness of my mind.

After Years

I wonder where our love has gone.

We were happy once but now it had become suffocating.

As time pass by, the relationship we once have is dying.

The “I Love You’s” that we tell each other, feel so empty.

Our anniversaries had become a pain to celebrate.

Intimate moments between the two of us are hollow and placid.

We promise each other to love one another until the day we die but the fire is burning out fast.

Why had it become like this?

Both our lives are being shrouded by a darkness we can’t stop.

I thought with Love, we can do anything but who knew that Love was not enough to conquer all?

Love in time falters...

Happiness had become suffering.

The rings that we gave as a symbol of devotion to one another had become a thing that reminds us of our sad plight every day.

Our fairytale had become a nightmare, and we are forever stuck in it.

Oct. 24th, 2011

Into the darkness of my mind.

"Love and Lust" Our Unusual Relationship

Love and lust, two different feelings but clearly associated with each other.

I like to think our relationship is in between love and lust, just the right mixture of the two.

She’s a player who doesn’t knows the word “Commitment” and I’m a happy-go-lucky person who accepts anything I could get.

I don’t know if you call it a relationship, but it’s what we have.

If we were given a label, I think “pillow friends” would totally fit us.

She always sees other guys and girls, and I have no qualms about it.

She’s a wild child who can’t be tamed, and it would be a waste of time to even try to do something that can’t be done.

Deep down, my heart is trying to tell me something, those sudden short burst of pain that I feel, but chose to ignore.

Sometimes I wonder why she always comes back to me.

So I asked her what she saw in me?

She answered “You’re my favorite pet TaeTae and you’re always there for me

I don’t know if I should be flattered or not, it’s like she’s implying that I’m an obedient dog that follows her every whim.

Maybe I am? Well… I nonchalantly brushed it off.

She’s happy. I’m happy. That’s all you need to make it work.

As days go by, our unusual relationship started to crumble.

As they say, it takes two who give and take to make a relationship work.

It seems I’m the only one doing it.

The foundation we built on our unusual relationship was weak, and we did nothing to strengthen it.

Collapse is evident.

Break-up was just waiting for us around the corner and when it came I was not surprised at all.

Our break-up was calm as water; there wasn’t even a ripple in it.

I just stood there letting her go, accepting what she wants.

Life went on as it is… Days went by as if nothing happened, but it didn’t feel the same anymore.

It felt life has become monotonous, there was something missing.

As the reality starts to sink in, the protection that my laid-back attitude has put up starts crumbling.

The truth shooting an arrow of pain, slowly piercing into my heart.

Memories of her swirling in my head, the pain intensifying until it bored a hole into my heart.

The revelation hit me hard.

I’m such a fool, I was in love with her, and I let her go and leave me.

My heart has been telling me all along, those little tugs in my heart was love making its presence known.

Even so, I stupidly ignored it.

Who knew Love would hurt like this?


Sep. 15th, 2011

Into the darkness of my mind.

“After Effects” The Morning After (part 2)

When she told me that she would like to spend the night with me, how could I resist?

I woke up with a sore body; it totally took all my energy to keep up with her last night. She was like a wild animal with an insatiable appetite.

As I turned to my side, I was greeted by an empty space. She must have left early in the morning. Her scent was still fresh in the bed sheets and blanket; it reminded me of her kisses which were sweet with a hint of cigarette and alcohol, so intoxicating that I can’t get enough of it.

I understand, it’s a one night stand but why do I feel a tug in my heart?

While I was lost in my thoughts, I was brought back to reality by my alarm clock.

Oh my… I need to take a shower already or I’ll be late for work.   

As I rush to the bathroom, something caught my right foot, a piece of cloth, pink and lacy. I blushed as I came to realize what it was. She totally forgot her underwear…

       I can't believe it. She went home without it...    

Without realizing it, I was twirling her pink thongs by my index fingers.

  Aish!!! My being byuntae is activated again… I really need to stop watching those DVDs that Soo lent me.  

After I finished showering and was toweling my hair dry, the doorbell resonated throughout the apartment.

I wonder who is it? It must be Soo.

As I opened the door, I was surprised to see the eye-smiling temptress who seduced me last night at my door holding a big brown paper bag.

“I bought coffee and bagels.”   

As she said those words with matching eye-smiles, it felt like the world stopped and I melted into a puddle of goo.

She sauntered in like she owns the place and I can’t help myself from ogling at her butt. Such a sexy butt!!!

Aish!!! Me and my butt fetish!     I slapped myself to control it, and then I heard her giggle.

“You’re so cute Tae Tae ^_^”   she said huskily. That totally made me blush like a tomato.

The way she said it, made me remember last night. How she moaned and screamed “Tae Tae!!!” she shouts it as if it was music to my ears.

“What are you thinking Tae Tae?"

“Umm… umm… Breakfast!!!”                I stuttered.

                          Why oh why? Is my mind so perverted early in the morning? Wait… I seem to have forgotten something important… Oh!!! Shit!!! I’m gonna be late for work!                          

I quickly went to my room; hastily changing my clothes then went to the table and grabbed a coffee.

“I need to go. I will be late for work. Feel free to stay over.”

My words were met by an eye-smile.

Oh!!! If only I don’t have any work I would have gladly spend the day with her.

As I ran quickly to the door and opened it, I felt a tug in my arms and was spun backwards to the door “Tiffany, what are you doing? I’m gonna be late for work………..”  

I didn’t finish my complain again for she kissed me, sucking on my lips, nibbling it making me feel lost in the delirium of pleasure and forgetting about work.


Sep. 7th, 2011

Into the darkness of my mind.

"In the Club" (How I met her) part 1

The 1st time I saw her was in a club, dancing, without a care in the world.

Her brown hair shimmering under the throbbing lights.

Her hips swaying sexily to the beat of the DJ.

I was caught by the spell that she weaved and my fatal attraction for her has started.

I was like a moth that is drawn to a flame, and it seems I was not the
only one who is under her spell but everyone who is in the club.

Some of the guys tried to hit on her, but was instantly rebuffed by her slight push on their chests.

Subtle but effective…

I wonder would I be denied when I make a move on her?

I think carefully and decided not to take the risk, it’s totally
impossible for her to give me a chance and she’s way out of my league.

So I decided to sit in a secluded corner where I could watch her dance while I enjoy my drink.

Time felt slow for me as my eyes sucked every detail of her body.

Her red mini dress provocatively emphasizing her God given assets, especially her butt, making me hot and bothered.

All of us were in a trance, and we got sucked deeper and deeper into the abyss of her seduction, then suddenly it was over.

The music stopped and her dance ended. You could hear the groans of disappointment that echoed through the club.

I also felt that the dance was too short to satisfy my desire and was
still reeling from the aftershock of her seductive show when suddenly a
hand touched my cheek.

Are you just gonna stare all night stranger? she huskily whispered.

I was dumbstruck in my seat for I was just watching her, and now she’s in front of me.

My mind mentally screamed for my body to move, but I seemed to have forgotten my motor skills.

As I regained composure, I quickly stood up to offer her a seat, but she
clearly has other plans in her mind and sat on my lap then encircled
her hands at the back of my neck.

The distance between us made me swallow my saliva and my heart beat erratically.

Then she whispered “What’s a cute child like you doing, alone in a club?

Before I could voice out my resentment on being called a child, she
kissed me hungrily, devouring my lip like there’s no tomorrow.

As I nearly ran out of breath she stopped, then smirked at me “You’re just my type.


Jul. 23rd, 2011

Into the darkness of my mind.

"First but not the Last"

First love never blooms.

There might be an exception, but it rarely happens.

Our 1st encounter with it would forever be embedded in our heart.

The blissful feeling we feel, which turns into something deeper until we soon realized that it was love.

As soon as we understand it, we are brought back to Earth by reality.

It bites into us and the truth sinks in.

Circumstances preventing our 1st love to bloom…

The mutuality we seek so hard to attain.

Age, gender, culture and so many others affecting it.


I wonder why one of the most unforgettable memories that we would keep forever is tainted with pain, sadness and regret.

Why can’t it be all happiness and pleasure?


Love… be it painful or not we would always search for it to quench our need to be loved.

A drug that we forever can’t get enough of.

Oct. 7th, 2010

Into the darkness of my mind.

" BFF (Best Friends Forever) v.2 "

I wonder when it was that I fell in love with you without realizing it.

The butterflies in my stomach.

The blushing of my cheeks.

The shyness when I’m around you.

I think cupid’s arrow just came and struck me.


My feeling for you puts me in a dilemma for you are my best friend.

I don’t want to destroy our friendship, but sometimes I can’t help but feel jealous.

How long could I take to see you in others arm?

How long will I stand here by the sidelines?


Every time you fall, I was there to pick you up.

Every time you cry, I was there to comfort you.

In everything you do, I was there for you.


You are near, yet so far…

I wish from the bottom of my heart that our friendship would change, but all I could do is hide my feelings cause for you “I’m your best friend forever.

Aug. 31st, 2010

Into the darkness of my mind.

"♥ HeartbeaT ♥"

How do we??? Vampires know that we are in love?

We have no heartbeat ♥ and we do not exude any warmth…

But when I’m with her I feel human.


My cold skin gets warm.

I feel light like I’m flying.

And the first time I kissed her, it was electrifying that I swore my dead heart skipped a beat…


How mind boggling is that???

A girl that I just met could invoke such feelings in me.

Is it fate that had brought me to her?


I wonder what the future holds for the 2 of us…

All I know is, with her my heart beats.


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Jun. 24th, 2010

Into the darkness of my mind.


Oh… Simone! The girl that I love, why did you leave me?
I thought you said you love me, but why did you choose death?
Am I not enough for you, to chase away all the pain?
Didn’t my love help you at all?

I mourn to you and my heart…
How could a girl like you leave me all alone with a shattered heart and unanswered questions?
How would I live now?
For every breath I take I am reminded of you…

"Sometimes even love can't stop a person from killing himself
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